Discovering that your beloved husband has been having an affair is some of the worst news you will ever receive. It can feel a lot like a death in the family. Suddenly all you have worked for is put into jeopardy and may be lost forever. With everything at stake, there are things you should ask your spouse to determine if the relationship is worth saving or damaged beyond all repair.
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Did You Feel Justified In Having The Affair?
If he thought about the consequences beforehand, then you want to know why he felt justified in betraying his family. This will reveal what his core values are and may provide more insight into your relationship or the relationship he has with his female friends.
Did You Feel Guilty at First?
Men who feel guilt will cope in several ways. They might visit the same woman again to bury their feelings or the feeling of guilt may have been so strong that he quite the affair before being discovered. The only way to heal this is if he is willing to let you into his thought process behind his infidelity.
Did You Think About Me at All?
It may seem as if the act was a direct insult to you or that the act had more to do with you than it actually did. It’s far easier to suppress thoughts of our wedded partner because they are safe and accepted. The other woman is forbidden fruit and is kept in the foreground as a secret.
Did You Talk About a Future Together?
It can be quite revealing to discover if he had future plans with the other woman. If so, he may have already decided to leave your marriage. Or he may be too scared to actually tell you and maybe living a double life.
What Did You Say About Us?
Some men actually talk about their current marriages in a positive light. This may be a barrier to prevent something more meaningful in the affair. Of course, some men trash their marriage to justify their infidelity. In some cases, the woes are justified and he may be using the affair as a therapy session.
What Did You See In Her?
The idea is to focus on what he was drawn to and why he acted on it. If he can admit to playing a part in encouraging the affair, he will be less likely to play the victim and he will be more willing to own up to his responsibilities. Above all, don’t compare yourself with her in any way as it will only hurt you.
How Did You Act With Her?
It may be that your husband no longer felt like themselves in the marriage. Oftentimes new people and new situations provide the opportunity to act in new ways and be a different person. Understanding this may provide an opportunity to foster those personality traits within your marriage.
Was This The Only Affair?
You need to know if this is an isolated incident or if he has a pattern of infidelity. If it was an isolated affair and he is remorseful and open about his indiscretion, you may have something to work for. If there is a pattern of infidelity there is little hope for redemption.
Were you Protected?
A man who neglects to protect himself is not only inconsiderate but dangerous too. If he had unprotected sex, he endangered your health and you should have yourself tested for STDs. It also reveals how pre-meditated the act was. It’s hard to say you were swept up at the moment if he took time to protect himself.
Above all, avoid blaming yourself and remember he is the one at fault. If he is willing to discuss these issues, you might have a shot at reconciliation. If he refuses or avoids speaking about it altogether, then it might be time to file for divorce. A divorce lawyer in Newmarket will be able to help you move forward with your filing.