Have you been unaware of an upcoming school event (like the Christmas concert) or an extracurricular event because your spouse forgot to tell you? Isn’t it frustrating? And disappointing? It’s also embarrassing when you drop the ball and forget to pass on important information.
Scheduling events, holidays and other activities for children can be difficult for any family, but the challenge is even greater for divorced parents. Often parents who have separated or divorced have difficulty communicating with each other at the best of times. Living in separate homes can make it even worse. But you know that already if you’re divorced. So what’s the answer?
You need a system.
For many years, I have encouraged clients whose separation is fresh and raw to use a communication book. One of the parents purchases a blank book which is used to discuss any proposed changes to the access schedule, illnesses of the children, milestones, accomplishments, discipline problems and upcoming events in the children’s lives. I encourage the parents to decorate the book with photos of the children on the outside of the book (to remind the parents to stay focused on their children’s best interests) and to plan on giving the book to their children when they are adults (to encourage the parents to treat each other respectfully and politely in the book since their children will read it one day).
A high-tech modern version of the communication book is Our Family Wizard. This is an online calendar and communication tool available through the Internet. It is amazing. You can communicate upcoming changes to the schedule, health concerns, financial issues and any other issues related to your children through your own private website set up for this purpose. Older children can even be given access to the site as can any other third parties agreed to by you and your spouse (mediator, parenting coach, lawyers, grandparents). The cost is $99.00 per parent per year. They even have “scholarships” to reduce or eliminate the costs for deserving families. Third-party access is free. Check out Our Family Wizard.
A free option is Google Calendar. It does not have all the bells and whistles of “Our Family Wizard” because it isn’t designed for separated families, but it is free. A calendar is set up over the Internet with access restricted to you and your spouse or third parties agree to the parents. It’s private and available wherever you can access the Internet. You can post upcoming events on the calendar such as the next hockey tournament or dance recital so everyone knows about it in advance.
Ideally, its best if you can communicate openly with one another via meetings, telephone calls or emails but often this is impossible especially immediately after the separation. The emotions are too hot for direct communication. So, try some other system.
Of course, a system works only if you work the system. Even if your spouse doesn’t keep you informed or is unreliable, just take the high road, and do it anyway. Some of us are planners and some of us aren’t planners. Such is life. Do it anyway.
Whether you use the old-fashioned communication book, Our Family Wizard, Google Calendar, emails, meetings or phone calls, find a way to communicate respectfully and in a timely manner. If you don’t make an effort, your children will suffer. Your children deserve parents who will put aside their own personal feelings toward each other and find a way to communicate with each other, for the children’s sake… and you don’t want to miss another Christmas concert!
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